


Binding Fear

by genugenu



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Demiboy, Depression, F/M, FTM, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, LGBT, LGBTQ, Mental Illness, Other, Romance, Smut, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Transmasculine, binder, content warning, hi first fanfic work, trans author, trans male player, yeah this is kinda smut but also fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-04-14 22:09:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14145645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genugenu/pseuds/genugenu
Summary: Trans!Player (he/him) is pre-everything (pre-hormones and pre-surgery) and is struggling with romantic intimacy with his partner, Maru. They recently started living together and have become more physically intimate. However, Trans!Player has yet to become comfortable with himself in such a setting.*this is a trans author (transmasculine) writing about a trans person, don't worry





	1. Binder in Bed

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy! Let me know if you want more. :-) This is really my first anything-remotely-erotic fanfiction or fiction, for that matter. Comment and kudos (if you want); it'll keep me going and not want to throw all of this out every time I write a single word. oof.

Our lips pursed against one another, as my hands clasped around her hips. The twilight enveloped us in erotic mystery. One hand traveled upwards, and the other hand followed suit, forming a firm hug around her. All that came over me was a sense of ecstasy and yet a need, a need for something more. I pulled back and stared into her violet eyes, attempting to cover something with the tears in her eyes. At this point, my hands were on her shoulders, grasping them gently, perhaps even tensely. Her eyes.. Were wanting something, and I was unable to give it to her. “Maru, is there something wrong?”

Her lips were sealed; no words were coming out. Instead, her eyes spoke her language of reluctance and shyness, looking away and not answering the question. “Maru, darling, surely there is something wrong…” I paused for a moment, thinking to myself, before proceeding. “If you want to talk about it, of course.” Maru’s bright eyes sparked for a moment, before turning to me, with Maru digging her head into my chest. The only thing I thought to do was to wrap my arms gently around her and bring my head down to hers, just so that she could feel the warmth of my breath thawing her walls. “You know I wouldn’t want to hurt you.”

She stayed silent once more. My arms continued to embrace her and brought her close to me, my chest, bound by both the binder but also the worry that perhaps I wasn't enough for her. Her head tilted upwards towards me, and her velvet eyes met mine. “I know... But I want…” Once again, she turned away, and I grew worried. “I want you.” Relief.

“Well if that's all you wanted, why didn't you ask--” I was cut off by her hands caressing my face as our lips collided again. Her lips were so sweet and filled with love; yet, there was still something off, as if she wanted.. more. After a few seconds, she retreated back and stared me in the eyes before doing one of those weak smirks, one I know is concealing a secret. “Well, if you wanna talk.. I'll be here.”

She nods at me, and slowly, I began to dig a hole into the bundle of blankets we had on our bed. As the warmth started to settle in around me, another belt of heat was added, as Maru’s arms embraced me and pulled me closer to her. “I love you. Did you know that?”

A smile peeled off my face that moment, and all of the relationship anxieties I had began to dig at my mouth, wanting it to say something to release the anxiety ever so badly. But alas, I did not. I kept my mouth shut and slowly began to doze off.


	2. Shuffle of a Scuffle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it's been a while since I've updated! Hope someone out there is interested in this sad emo trans guy's writing. B) Leave kudos and comments and bookmarks and all of that! It keeps me going :-0

Today was the day I had to pick up my prescription at the clinic. The usual fifteen milligrams of bupropion. “To get the depression and maybe even some of the gender dysphoria away,” Maru’s voice would always assure me. While I wasn’t quite the biggest fan of medication, she had always been the anchor of reason in whatever my depression and anxiety spun for me. Bringing the tight binder over my raw shoulders, I looked back at the empty bed, where everything had transpired last night. I did miss her and those hugs, and the off feeling from last night didn't seem to leave, despite a decently peaceful sleep. Worry had consumed me in place of assurance, and all I was left with was a rat gnawing at my insides, telling me that maybe she was cheating on me or maybe she didn't love me anymore.

 

Pelican Town was always the same. Right now, the autumn breeze swung back and forth between the hairs on my head, as it danced alongside the leaves and other debris. The lack of people and the silence that accompanied it was always filled by the seasonal sounds of nature that was provided by the croaking animals and the prancing plants. As I traveled past the musty bus stop and towards the clinic, a quaking sense of fear began to gradually rumble in my stomach, like uneven sand, filled with irregular pebbles and sharp bits of seashells.

“Welcome to-- Oh, honey!” The sweet voice that had lightened my mood ten times over has suddenly become the requiem of our relationship. In all this time, all of my bound fences have crumbled due to my insecurities, and I felt as if I was left with a facade, ready to be revealed to be a rouse, a lie. Nearly immediately, an instinct kicked my legs forward in a bold march, and soon, both my hands went to grab her shoulders over the counter. Startled, she stared at me for a solid moment, before one of my hands went to the buttons on her uniform top and began to unfurl the professional layer of clothing, to dive into the personal. “I'm at work, honey! Don't let the doctor see!”

 

“I know. I won’t.” My hand continued its dance past the buttons and onto the lace bralette  but I feel like I'm losing you.” My lips dove in for a kiss on the cheek, and it was accepted. “I just.. wished you knew how much I don't want you to go.” Her purple eyes gazed at me, before she returned a deep kiss on my lips, petrified from the returned love. My left hand slowly began unbuttoning the buttons on her uniform, as the other scooped her into my arms and onto the counter, with myself on top of her. Soon, my fingers began tracing themselves under the undergarments and soon were cradling her nipple in two fingers. “I just love you.” 

 

“S-s-sir.” The reluctant stutter in her breath only made me want to go further, but her face winced… out of fear? Out of losing her job? “Sir. You can't be doing this at work.” Professionally spoken but not shown, as the erotica in her began to seep out of her face, as it scrunched up in visual and sexual pleasure, which began to itch for more. “Not here….” But no more words came out as her arm embraced me in a warm grasp and soon hurled off my shirt and gave light to my insecurity, the binder that had kept my chest so flat and… masculine. “Are you feeling insecure again? You know you can talk to me about it, honey.” I bit my lip, in fear of letting my dysphoria loose into the world; I didn't want her to hear me like this.

 

“I'm.. fine.” My head went to rest on her shoulder, as my chest compressed itself against her open breasts. “You don't have to worry about me.” The warmth from her chest gave me chills; I just wished she couldn't read me as easily, but maybe sometimes… it’s better off that way. The only reason my mind would even drift to this direction was because of those violet eyes that always just shimmered in alarm whenever something like this happened. Who would want to always set off the beautiful eyes alarm? A sigh escaped my open mouth, and my hands slowly let go of her.  Is this really the way I want this relationship to be? Really?

 

“Fine… tomorrow night. All of this… I’m sorry. It’s not because of something you did wrong.” My hands went back to her, just to button up her uniform back into order and soon drifted away from her. “It’s all me. I mean… I’ll see you later.” I gave her a soft pat on her shoulder, before dumb old me walked out of the clinic, no prescription slip or prescription in hand.  _ Wow, I really did what I was supposed to do, am I right? _

 

The night came by quickly, or so I wished. When you’re watering plants, making sure your scarecrows are scaring the crows, and by yourself, time doesn’t really fly like that. The work was done, and my achy legs dragged me into the shower, where the water beaded on my hair and all I listen to were my own thoughts, because guess whose radio broke during that scuffle last night? Me. Wow, I’m really great, right?... “Why does she even deal with someone like me?” The puddle below me showed an image, conflicting with the one in my mind. “I’m not even a man. I’m just a mess.” Like shower water, dysphoria began to drip down my face and onto my chest, with two bulges sticking out.  _ Get me out of here.  _ Immediately, I stepped out of the shower and threw on my clothes, trying to get rid of the prominent image of my physical body out of my head.  _ Let’s just go to sleep, whatever. _

 

That thought was hopeful, but unfortunately, I ended up with my eyes wide-open and lying on my side. My thoughts no longer badgered me about my body and the shape it formed, but rather about our relationship and the things that had happened.  _ Why? Why does she even like me? Why does she even deal with me, a mess of a person, mentally and physically?  _ These thoughts quickly paused themselves, at the sound of the front door, quietly slamming shut, followed by boots gently scuffing against the wooden floors. _ Maru’s back. She’s probably tired. Tired probably because of me. _ Once again, she softly inched the door open, while taking off everything she had been wearing. “Oh, he’s already asleep…” I heard her whisper to herself, as her body leaned and fell into the bed.

 

I felt every breath she let out on my back, facing away from the center of the bed and dividing us. And yet, despite the obvious division, her breath creeps closer and closer, and higher and higher, before it positions itself right onto my shoulder. Warmth envelopes me and her together, with one of her arms gradually draping itself over me and her other arm blanketing my hair in a gentle touch. “I love you… Good night.” Her head draws closer to my neck, and her breath dissipates into silent breaths. Centered in her every breath, that fireplace of love irregularly let out sniffs and louder puffs of air, but they all continued to caress me and my neck. However, my head was unable to wrap around the love in those continued breathes.

 

_But why?_ My mind hammered down that word onto my skull constantly, and I doubted her, too. And yet, my cheeks ignited into bursts of warmth at her words, her kindness, her intimacy, and my breath quickened at the thought of her still next me. The same word continued to drift alongside my consciousness, which faded away by the repeated pattern: warmth, worry, her breath, doubt, love, anxiety, my own breath. And so I slept.


End file.
